Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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