You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
