Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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