Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
