I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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