hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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