my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
