Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
