Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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