WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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