He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
