Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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