I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
