Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
