mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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