be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
