so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
