Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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