He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
false alarm, still single
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
