Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
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Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
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I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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