Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
