hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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