I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
