im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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