Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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