So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
soo... how was my night?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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