oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
