the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
