ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
