I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
