is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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