I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
