im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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