that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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