I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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