Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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