Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
