Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
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im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
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I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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