yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
