Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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