so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
