just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So vagazzling was a success
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
