In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You can't motorboat a personality
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
