A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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