So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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