How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
