Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
