i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
