my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
