when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
