I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
