Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
