do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
