Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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