Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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