If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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