I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
