Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
