so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
