So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
